got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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