Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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