He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
