i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
