I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
