got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
