My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's blow job season.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
