My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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