I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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