when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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