Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
