its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
