If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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