Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Holy sore nipples Batman
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Randomize
