He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
