I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
