so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
