have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
