What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
