there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
