Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
