apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
