Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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