I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
