Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
