I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
