We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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