Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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