dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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