Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
