at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
