3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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