Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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