I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
