Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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