the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
