He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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