I accidentally burped into my bong.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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