Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
