he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
