This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
