I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
