I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
