There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
