Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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