foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
