i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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