Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
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