I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
