The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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