I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
